Shoulder pads are the best thing about playing hockey. Shoulder pads are doing fantastic things to alleviate my middle-income, middle-age, middle class, expanding middle doldrums and crises. Doctors should prescribe these things. This could rival Viagra as the safe alternative to re-establishing machismo.
Although wearing nothing but shoulder pads in bed is probably something that appeals to a fine percentage of us. Did I say us? I meant of some people. Not only would you have to deal with the image but also trying to work that hockey-smell to your advantage may be a difficult task. Yet I digress, two sentences into the article and I’m already off on a tangent. Sit down and buckle up we may be in for a ride.
The mouth guard comes in a close second for providing a false sense of security and toughness. Especially the Clarke-Guards- you know the ones, they have the black patch over the two front teeth so that you look like Bobby Clarke without actually having to endure the pain and suffering of… of… pain and suffering. I really don’t deal well with pain, and I have an inherent fear of power tools. Not that power tools have anything to do with this article
Somehow wearing a mouth guard makes it look like I’m ready for pain. Not “just in case” there might be pain, but almost expecting pain. Hell, I’m looking forward to pain! “Hey, look at that guy! He must be tough! He looks like he needs his daily dose of pain!” You can almost hear the other team saying it. It makes you feel good. Its makes your fear of power tools seem less of an issue, and more like just a slight quirk. There ya go, tied it in.
But it’s the shoulder pads, the shoulder pads that can provide long-term benefits; a sense, however false, of being in shape. Broad shouldered, thick chested sunnuva’ oo yeah. You just have to ignore the pencil thin neck sticking up through the gaping hole in the jersey, and the double chin bouncing off the collar, and you have an image of a well conditioned, highly trained, finely honed physical specimen.
All the while, underneath that XXXL jersey and inches of padding is your own little secret that no one knows. The flab. The folds. The sag and the bulge. The proof that more of your spare time is spent on the couch celebrating the exercise of other people than actually doing it yourself.
But once that dirty little secret is hidden, it’s amazing just how far the mind can run with it. Slap some big-ass shoulder pads on me so that my stomach doesn’t stick out farther than my chest and all of sudden “Im Health-Man!”
He walks upstairs without shortness of breath!
He tightens his belt to the last hole!
He refuses a doughnut!
He’s Health-Man!
4 hours a week for 28 weeks from September thru April, I Am Health Man! That’s 4.6 days of physical prowess! Without any training whatsoever! This is unheard of. This defies all scientific rationale.
Forget the grapefruit diet, forget the Slimfast, cabbage soup, thigh master, or ab-buster. Throw away the amphetamines disguised as diet pills, cancel your liposuction, and forget about 20 minutes a day, 4 days a week of exercise.
Go buy some shoulder pads.
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3 users responded in this post
Hi
I’ve enjoyed reading Beer League Hockey online in the past and I wanted to write to you about today is an idea I’d like to propose to you for a small feature story that I believe your readers would find of great interest. As you may know there is a dearth of quality hockey books in the marketplace, especially for children and so I decided to change that by writing “Hockey Days.”
I wanted to take this opportunity to introduce myself to you in the hope that we could work together. I amthe author of two self-published books, “Destructo Boy & Spillerella…We Are Who We Are!” and “Hanukkah Counts Too!” My third book, “Hockey Days” (with the Foreword by my friend Tom Cochrane) will be released on October 9th.
I feel “Hockey Days” stands up very favorable to classic Canadian Children’s Hockey books such as “Number
Four Bobby Orr”, “That’s Hockey” and “My Leafs Sweater.”
Chapters/Indigo has already placed a large order for “Hockey Days” which they will be shipping to Chapters, Indigo
and Coles stores throughout Canada. They have also booked me to do three book signings in Toronto on 10/13
and 10/14. You can read several 5-Star reviews of ‘Hockey Days’ here:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/customer-reviews/1425753531/sr=1-1/qid=1190042906/ref=cm_cr_dp_all_top/103-2348825-5521436?ie=UTF8&n=283155&s=books&qid=1190042906&sr=1-1#customerReviews
Here is a brief description of the book which is aimed at 6 - 11 year olds:
“Hockey Days” (ISBN # 9781425753535) is a heartwarming tale about father’s and son’s and how the game of
hockey, perhaps like no other, brings them together and teaches them more then just who wins the game or
scores the most goals.
Tom’s Dad rediscovers a street hockey ball and a beloved orange knit hat from his childhood and tells Tom
about his street hockey teammates including Crash, Critter and Pumpkinhead, his best game against the
fearsome Irondale team and how the best part of any hockey day was having the chance to spend time with
his dad. Tom comes to learn that by carrying on traditions, you help keep someone who may be far away,
closer to your heart.
In just over two years “Hanukkah Counts Too!” and “Destructo Boy & Spillerella…We Are Who We Are!” have
sold over 2,000 copies combined in the USA and Canada. And please also note that I have personally, with no
outside help, generated all of the sales for both books. I have handled all of the marketing campaign/planning
(including producing 2 video’s that are on Youtube.com, a Myspace page and blog and a website which
receives over 1,000 hits a month), sales and distribution efforts for the books.
I am working with Fury Sports (owned by Keith Primeau and now a wholly owned subsidiary of Crocs, Inc.)
equipment in a unique marketing effort and I am also honoured and thrilled to have had Tom Cochrane do
the Foreword for “Hockey Days.” I would love to share with you and your audience the stories behind these
deals and all of the highs and low involved with self publishing.
In the meantime, please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or
need any further information. We would be happy to email you an electronic copy of the book or mail to you
via snail mail a copy of the book. Thank you again for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Howard Shapiro
Supersonic Storybook Productions
http://www.hockeydays.net
howard.shapiro@hotmail.com
why shoulder pads being mis quoted. i dont beleive it
3FiIVd hi! hice site!
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